I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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