I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
There's even glitter on my cock...
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