even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
