we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
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I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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