I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
