i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
