Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
