Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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