I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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