Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
