There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
