1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
