I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter