I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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