he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
