My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
