just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
