My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
