Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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