remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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