Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
