She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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