Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This baby is an asshole
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
