Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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