So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
