my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
