Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
