1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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