You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
