I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.