Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.