She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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