Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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