yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
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I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
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In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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