I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
