im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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