wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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