don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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