whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
