I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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