walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
