HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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