Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
