that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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