Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
