i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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