A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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