i just wanna soil my oats bro
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
