I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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