i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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