you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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