I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
