I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
