I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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