What a fucking waste of an outfit
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
