i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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