I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
