Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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