jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
